First Trimester :: As It Was

so, I was pregnant.. WAS being the operative word there. And I would have posted this either yesterday or today if I had passed the 12 week mark. Am still putting this up, because those 11 weeks was a long time for me. And I don't want to ever forget. I don't want to forget that I had my 3rd daughter with me even for just a little while. Even if it was just borrowed to me for a mere 11 weeks. I don't want to forget. There will be another post (I hope) on what happened after, but will see. Can't get pass being all blurry eyed now. :(

***due to the fact that I wanted to keep the pregnancy low key, this post will ONLY be up after 12 weeks or so. but also due to the fact that I am getting old and my memory is crap nowadays, I need to start keeping track as and when it happens so I won't forget. so, what you will get in this post would be 10 weeks worth of info***

May 6 - menses are late. and the home kit showed a very light positive result. Hubby wasn't convinced so will give it a few days before doing the test again.

May 9 - appropriately on Mother's Day, the kit showed that I would soon be a mother again. a mother of three. Alhamdulillah.

May 10 - 5 weeks now. According to the Lilypie, Little Baby is 4-6mm long. Heart has begun beating. So far, not feeling the symptoms except for getting tired and able to doze off at any time of the day. Have not told the 2 girls, but somehow I think they can sense it. Aliah has been talking about a baby boy for a couple of days now. "Why boy Kakak?" "Because we already have 4 girls in the house la Mommy" And Jannah has been extra whiny and clingy and manja and wants ONLY Mommy to pujuk her. *sigh*

May 12 - went for my first check-up today. Doc confirmed the pregnancy, but at 5 weeks it is still too small to do an ultrasound. Will come back at 10 weeks for another check-up. BP is normal at 90/60 AND amazingly, my starting weight is 43.6kg.. I've never been able to reach 43kg EVER before. *and upon checking the booklet for my 2 previous pregnancies, I was at that weight only in my 20th and 26th weeks respectively* dah bole bayang betapa balloon nyer I will be come end of this pregnancy Huahuahua.. will see la in 5 weeks time how much I've gain.

May 17 - 6 weeks today. Little Baby is 7-9mm long. So far, still doing OK. No nausea. Just a bit of headaches once in a while and fatigue all of a sudden. Over the weekend, I had one of the don't move don't do anything moments and just sat in front of the TV and did a Numb3rs marathon. Haha. Funny enough, both girls didn't bother me with wanting to watch their shows.

May 22 - finally vomited today. Haha! Sangat masochist kan? It wasn't the best of times for it to happen, tengah holiday in Bali nih. But at least, felt better after. So, it has started.. will see how bad I fair this time around.

May 23 - 7 weeks today! And halfway through the 1st trimester. Little Baby is about 12mm now. The size of a blueberry. Hands and feet are developing this week.

May 25 - today was pretty bad. Combined with a bad cold, and a headache. Early morning couldn't stop vomiting, even though I've not had anything to eat yet. Don't know if eating early would help or make things worse. My appetite has been very non-existent lately. I can eat just sesuap nasi and feel kenyang already. But I have to eat at pretty frequent intervals. I guess that's how the baby likes it.

May 31 - 8 weeks and the sickness is getting worse! I don't remember it being this bad with Jannah. Memang all day nausea. And the cold has turned into a cough now. So every time I cough, I feel like vomiting and then the nausea sets in and cycle repeats with the next cough. Crappy I tell you. According to babycenter.com Little Baby is the size of a kidney bean this week. Sungguh kecik! But all major organs, muscles are there. Fingers (web fingers and feet) are all also there. MasyaAllah, my 3rd pregnancy and I can still be amazed with all this facts. Heheh.. And what's more amazing is that such a little thing can cause my life to be so topsy turvy already!

June 4 - this week has been baaad! Super duper bad! I've not been to work the whole week. If Hubby was not super busy this week, I might have been able to go if he could send me. Yes, I could have tried to drive myself, but I was not really looking forward to risking that. As it is, I feel like flying all the time (bukan terbang ye tapi melayang) so to drive in that condition. Nope, not a good idea. The furthest I drive is to send Aliah to school. And even then, halfway through I am already getting cold sweats. Imagine Bangi - Melawati. I'd faint 3 times over. Haha. Yes, DQ I know. But this Little Baby is more demanding than Aliah n Jannah combined. Even Hubby said so too.

June 7 - 9 weeks today. Yeah! Cepatla habes first trimester. I am on the verge of saying "What the hell was I thinking getting pregnant again?!" But yes, I know.. women have that selective memory.. 3 years down the road we forget all this sickness and wish we have another baby in our arms. Haha! Little Baby is the size of a grape now. Still very very small. Aliah keeps asking daily how big the baby is. She is that excited about it. Jannah is pretty much oblivious to all this. Will see how she reacts when my bump gets a bit more prominent.

June 14 - 10 weeks. Due for a check-up this week, but will probably only go at the end of the week. And sickness is pretty much the same; i.e., BAD! I figured out that I can't fight the vomiting, if I feel like vomiting I will only feel better once I've gotten it all out. *sigh*

June 18, am - woke up feeling dreadful. They always say that dreams are really vivid while you are pregnant. and this one was the worst. I dreamt that I lost Little Baby. Had a miscarriage. She was only 16 weeks. and somehow, I just can't get the uneasy feeling out.

June 18, pm - Went for the check-up today. And doc confirmed the worst. I was going through what they call a missed abortion. The ultrasound showed that Little Baby was no more there. She was gone...