The Lost

Everyone was excited about the ultrasound. Especially Aliah. She's been asking me EVERYDAY how big the baby was. In retrospect, we should not have brought her along. But how were we to know that things were not going to turn out OK?

The scan showed an empty sac. No signs of Little Baby at all. I was numb.

I didn't want to believe, I mean.. I was still having all the symptoms. Nausea, headaches, fatigue, vomiting. Doc even did another pregnancy test, and it was still a strong positive. I still wanted to believe.

My defence mechanism is to sleep. So that was what I did after we got home. I slept. It was a Friday, so Hubby left for friday prayers. And told the girls to let Mommy rest for a while.

When I woke up, I had a chat with Myra and talked things over. Read up what it meant to be going through a missed abortion and was generally trying to come to terms with what was going on.

Decided that I did not want to mope around, and Hubby ajak tengok movies. So we brought the girls to watch Toy.Story.3 at the Gardens! Huh.. Spoilt brats la bebudak nih nanti. Haha.. But yes, it was good movie and both girls loved it and Mommy couldn't stop crying at the end. Haha!

The weekend was a normal weekend like any other, we went for playgroup, went to Mak's - even went to the dusun for a while, and then just stayed home to relax.

All this time, I was still having the symptoms. And the vomiting was real bad on Monday. And there was no bleeding at all. Not even a small drop. And that was what really puzzled me.

I had a meeting on that hill on Monday and after that went to low.yat with my colleagues. Over lunch I had 2 glasses of coke. And I think that did the trick. Started spotting that evening. But since I was expecting it, oh well.. it was expected lah kan.

Told my boss calmly that I would probably be on MC the next day. Haha!

Hubby had some meetings Tuesday morning, so we only went to see the doctor in the afternoon. Did another scan and this time we saw a little speck of what was Little Baby. Too small to be 11 weeks. She wrote a referral letter for me to see a gynae to see if I needed a d&c. And he had another meeting after that, and I was still feeling OK, no serious cramps whatsoever so we postponed the gynae meet the next day.

That was probably the worst decision we ever made so far, coz immediately after that I started having serious cramps. If I remember correctly from my experience with Aliah, the pain was worse than Aliah's labour pains contractions. Sakit tahap dewata dah woo. Anyway, Mama decided that I needed to go to the hospital asap, and so after Maghrib we went.

We went straight to the A&E, and had the MO on duty check on me. I was immediately warded for a D&C procedure later that night. When the gynae finally saw me, it was already 11pm and she immediately put me under for the procedure. I was pretty traumatic by this time as there was soooo much pain and was so glad to be on GA.

When I woke up, it was 1 in the morning. And I was still in the labour room. Drifted between consciousness. The whole night was like that in fact, I was glad to have Hubby with me. (He was "sleeping" really uncomfortably on a chair - thank you sayang!)

I finally woke up and went to the toilet at about 7. Wozzy from the GA still and vomited quite a bit too. And it felt empty.

Verily, from Him we come, and to Him we return..

Points to Ponder :

I know I said I lost a daughter, but I have to point out that was just an instinct. We never knew for sure.

Listen to your doctor or your cousin who is a doctor.. ;P Get the D&C done BEFORE the pain sets in. You do not want to feel that pain. Trust me.

Stick to the don't tell people until first trimester over. This includes your children. I'm having a hard time with Aliah on this. She said "Baby don't like us anymore Mommy?" And how the hell do you answer that??